Saturday, April 14, 2007

I'm ready.

So the world hasn't killed me off just yet. It seems to have given me a run for my money, but I've come out ahead in the end. I like to keep the perspective that all of life's disasters happen for a reason. Whether it be to teach us something, make us stronger, or push us in the direction we should have been going in the first place. I think the past year of my life has done all three.

So, as I said, the world hasn't killed me off yet. I'm a little more formidable than once believed. After the past year I've had, I'm pretty sure I can tackle anything that comes at me. I'm closer with friends that I have been in ages and more confident about my goals and where I'm headed in life. There is something about letting go of the past that allows the future to look brighter. Nothing changed but the perspective, but it all looks different. I'm ready for whatever comes at me. It should be an interesting year....

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Messy Lives

Well this girl is going to take a break for awhile. Life is a little chaotic right now. *chuckles softly to herself* Ok, alot chaotic right now. In any case, my mind is in no place to write about anything remotely interesting. So, I'm off to figure out the meaning of life and all that jazz. I'm off to take a little emotional vacation and recouperate. Thanks for the company. It was fun...

Monday, September 18, 2006

Guide To Being A Good Wife

My sister sent me an email today. Attached was a picture of an excerpt from a 1950's publication detailing the duties of a proper housewife. It was meant to be read in a humorous light but, I couldn't help but shake my head and wonder how many women bought into this bullshit of what it was to be a wife and then wondered why they didn't feel fulfilled as individuals.

It is fun to laugh at the past when we can look back and realize just how wrong those philosophies were. But it's still an eyeopener to the reality that not all of those ideals have been swept under the rug. Women today face the same challenges of meeting the image that the commercial world puts forth. I can't help wondering if my daughter will look back on my era and laugh at how ridiculous things were?

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Exhale.

And so... we exhale. With a deep heavy sigh, we let the air out of our bodies, and with it the iota of hope we held in for nearly two weeks.

She: This is **** hospital calling with your lab results.

Me: Oh, wonderful.

She: Your Hcg levels were less than 2, while your progesterone levels were 47.28. (An Hcg level of over 50 qualifies as positive for a pregnancy)

*ackward pause*

Me: Oh.... Well, umm... Thank you.

She: Yes, you're welcome. Have a nice day.

And just like that, it was over. I was left to make the phone call to the parents, explain the test results and hope to give some comfort to what I know would be harsh news. There were tears and apologies and explanations and speculations. But really, we were simply taking in our breath again, sucking in what life we could. So once again, we can hold our breath inhaled and hope.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

I've joined the masses

In a self deluded effort to connect with my local friends, acquaintances, etc, etc... I joined the masses and set up a myspace account. Slowly I find myself sinking into the world of myspace layouts, myspace top 8, myspace videos. A whole world I never knew existed is opening before me. I'm disgusted and strangely intrigued by it. Like a gruesome car wreck you can't take your eyes off.

On that cheerful note, if you'd like to check out the other side of me. Feel free to get sucked into myspace. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Pregnant

Wow, it still feels strange to say it. I'm still getting used to this idea. The whole experience was nothing like I would have expected. After preliminary bloodtests, I downed a Valium and stripped into a modest open backed gown. The parents chatted with me while doctors, embryologists, nurses and other specialists wandered in and out with tidbits of information.

"The embryos looks wonderful! We have two beautiful ones for today!!"

The in rolls what looks to be a premie incubator. Now I had steeled myself, and made a promise to maintain professional distance during this process but at the sight of the "babies" entering the room, the tears simply welled up in my eyes. The parents were given an opportunity to see the two selected to be transferred.

The transfer itself took less than 10 minutes. I cried the entire time, quietly letting warm tears drip down my cheeks while the intended mother squeezed my hand and leaned in to whisper thank you. With a smile the doctor wished us well and I was able to rest before being escorted by wheelchair to our waiting vehicle. I ran a hand tenatively across my stomach wondering if it was finally real. Even now it still feels like a dream.

This moment was what we had worked for. For months we've coordinated schedules, apppointments, medications. And now, it's finally here. The culmination of our efforts is resting, hopefully peacefully, inside of me. I can't think of a greater moment before this that I have been as proud to be a woman. To have the opportunity to make a decision like this. A decision that reverberates through not only my life but through other lives as well. No one can understand just how amazing this entire process has been and how wonderful it is.

In 9 days we will have a blood test to confirm the pregnancy, and another two days later. So for now it seems... We hold our breath, and wait. And hope.

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Changes

I'm slowly working my way through the Feminine Mystique and I have to admit, it has changed my perspective on how I look at the world. There are several issues I never agreed with, but could never articulate why they bothered me. Why does it bother me when a man looks at me in "that way"? Why should it be an issue to shave my legs, wear make-up, or show a little leg from time to time? Well it does bother me, why we women do these things. What social conditioning were we raised with that pushes us to act this way?

Reading through Betty's words I begin to understand a bigger part of the picture, seeing not just a snapshot of my era, but the world of women from decades before me. I see how the problems of women have evolved, how social ideals have perpetuated the infantility of women. Not only do I see their problems, I see what they did about it, how they dealt with the injustice of being denied the right to own property or vote. The amazing women that fought against what was at that time social norms, to gain greater equality and rights for women that had been denied for centuries.


And somehow, knowing that countless women have stood where I am, looking out into the world and seeing it all for the first time, encourages me. It gives me strength to know I'm not alone in how I view the world and the constant struggle felt by millions of women is leading us down a path of greater strength and endurance than we have ever known.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

101 Things Continued...

21. In my opinion, garlic makes anything taste better.

22. I dig chick music.

23. If I could live anywhere in the world, I'd choose Colorado. The mountains amaze me.

24. If I could choose one super power, I'd choose invisibility. Oh, the things I could do with that!

25. I've always wondered how Monkey Bread got it's name... Did it used to have monkeys in it?

26. I play a mean game of scrabble.

27. I've fallen in love more than once.

28. I love tattoos and piercings. I have a few, but always want more.

29. Halloween is my favorite holiday.

30. I took allergy shots to raise my immunity for nearly 5 years.

31. I can lace a bodice in the dark.

32. I love climbing trees, all the way to the top, until I can feel the wind move me from side to side.

33. I'm afraid of heights. (lol, ironic... i know)

34. I would cut off my breasts if I had the money. To me, they only get in my way.

35. I almost always wear a necklace of some sort, it's comforting.

36. I hate cats.

37. I once ran 3 - 2 1/2" sliver into my left forearm.

38. I have been a surrogate mother.

39. Pineapple Oranage Banana juice is my favorite. It makes the best smoothies for breakfast.

40. I have never shot and killed any animals. I plan on going deer hunting for the first time this year. I have only shot a gun twice in my entire life.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

A 101 Things You Never Needed To Know About Me.

In poking around the internets I discovered a few bloggers with 101 things about me posts. I don't usually like to give away too many details at once. But I felt like writing tonight. So here goes....

1. I have 2 sisters, 1 half sister, and one half brother.

2. None of us are straight.

3. I've always wanted to spend a summer kayaking and camping in the mountains.

4. I'm scared of the dark. Before I had a lamp I would shut off the light and take a running leap
for the bed to keep from getting my toes too close to the bed.

5. My favorite flower is the lily.

6. I love birds more than any other kind of pet. Wild birds are fun to watch too.

7. I own more books than clothing.

8. I can play hide and seek for hours.

9. I am a nurse and an electrician.

10. My kids sleep in my bed more than their own, and I don't mind. It's nice to hear someone breathing next to me.

11. Lemonade is the best drink ever created and should alway be served in a glass filled with ice.

12. I ate grated parmesan cheese (from the can....with a spoon) and crushed ice with every pregnancy.

13. I avoid heels like the plague. Whoever invented them should die, die, die. Give me sneakers or give me death!

14. Secretly, I like shinies.

15. I love babies. I love their squishy warmness, and the sweet delicate smell of them. Kissing their bellies until they sqeal is the closest thing to pure joy I've ever felt.

16. I liked my purple hair the best.

17. I would shave my head if I weren't in Minnesota. Always too hot or too cold.

18. Beagles and hounds are the cutest breeds. And their throaty yowls are pretty hilarious!

19. I'm afraid of mice. Well, mostly their beady little eyes and their sqeak, and the fact that they can bite and scratch and spread disease that could wipe out entire countries, and the fact they sneak around where they could be stepped on in the middle of the night.... and, and, and...

20. I spend $4.00 on a Mocha and enjoy every delicate sip of it.




The rest I'll save for another day....

Making Babies


I've got skills. I'm damn good at making babies. I have started my first round of medication and am within 3 weeks of going through with an IVF. I'm not new to this scene. I'm a twice over mom, with a previous traditional surrogacy under my belt. Like I said, I've got skills.

It seems as though everyone wants more of a story than I have to give. Everyone wants to hear about this heroine that is rescuing a desperate family from loneliness. They don't want to know all the struggling details, how many appointments I've attended, the tests that are required. They want to know if I'm pregnant yet and when the baby is coming. I have to admit I'm a little tired of repeating myself to countless people "Nooo, I'm not pregnant yet.... Nooo, I haven't gone out to see the family yet." and on and on. Countless questions, nearly half of them personal and inappropriate.

So far, the whole experience has gone like a dream. The couple is perfect, they live in suburbia and have everything anyone could want. Except a family that is. That's where I come in. I'm good at making babies, I've got a knack for it. I attribute it to my strong Danish genes.

The facility we're working with is precise and thorough, one of the best in the country. I have to admit I don't think I've been poked and prodded so many times in my life. At least I've been well assured that my body is completely healthy and has the stamp of approval from one of the top fertility centers in the United States. If anyone can get me pregnant, they can.

This has been a struggle. It's been tiring. It's been hard to explain to the rest of the world. But this is one of the reasons I was put on this earth. Not very many women can do what I do. Like I said, I've got skills.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

The Summer of the Two Piece Suit

For the first time in my life, I bought a two piece swimming suit. I can't say I've got the perfect body, but it's alright. A little white, but otherwise good. I never thought I would have:
A - The self confidence to wear a two piece suit.

B - A body small enough to even consider it.

C - Enough waist and cleavage to pull it off.

I never considered a two piece suit because I never thought it would look good. I'd be the fat chick trying to fit into something she shouldn't. I never wanted to be that chick that thought she was thinner than she really was. You know the one. The one that buys that size 6 instead of the size 8 she should have. Hun, it's time.. Admit it, you're not a size 6 anymore. I have no problem with my size, I simply want clothes that flatter me, instead of trying to wear something that doesn't emphasize all my sassy bits. So wearing a one piece suit always seemed to suit me. It made my torso look longer, my hips smaller. All in all, a one piece suit had always made the whole package look nicer.

Then along came the idea of having a nice tan belly to go along with the rest of the tan. I was sick of the pale Minnesota look, I wanted something a little darker. Not California dark.... maybe just Kansas, Oklahoma? They tan in Oklahoma don't they? Anyway, it's pretty tough to tan skin through a thick layer of swim suit. So begins the saga of the summer of the two piece suit.

I have to admit that taking off my clothes in front of a crowd, when I feel rather naked beneath was a little nerve wracking at first. I looked around to make sure I hadn't blinded anyone with the reflection from my pale white skin. Assured that everyone was fine, I made it down to the water. With a smile I watched my white belly disappear into the water.

It was liberating to feel so much bare skin warmed by the sun. Having less fabric to get in the way made moving much easier and more comfortable. I enjoyed the freedom of swimming without worrying about the position of my suit, it fit snugly and stayed put. I felt more like myself, more like the sassy chick that I am. The sleek black top kept my sharp shoulders bare and framed my back tattoo nicely. All in all, I think it went over rather well. This might end up being a good summer after all. So begins the saga of the summer of the two piece suit.